I can't even come up with a title for this.

The most amazing article I've ever read.*

(Via Roger, who has suggested that people re-write the story in the style of various YA authors.  It actually sounds like something that could happen in one of Korman's Son of the Mob books, though the main character/birthday boy himself would have put a stop to it, it would have been his brother who called the stripper, and calling the stripper in the first place (rather than a gorilla-gram) would have been deliberate.)

*Yes, yes.  I know I have a habit of saying that.  So:  It's the most amazing article I've read this week.  So far.