By the power of Greyskull...

Yep.  After a never-ending call to Verizon/FairPoint that resulted in the classic "Someone will need to be available to open the door for your Verizon representative from 8AM to 5PM -- the representative will arrive no later than 7PM" line, the internet is finally up and running at the house.

Now we just need a new hot water heater.