The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories by Hans Christian Andersen, translated by Lilian Moore, illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman

Book cover: The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen; translated by Lilian Moore; illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman

Back cover of The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen

First up: According to Gale and Wikipedia, The Ugly Ducking and Two Other Stories by Hans Christian Andersen pubbed in 1973… but the copy in front of me says 1969, so I’m not sure what the deal is with that. Regardless, the stories in this edition were translated by Lilian Moore and illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman.

Illustration by Trina Schart Hyman, from The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen. Depicts the end of The Ugly Duckling, in which the duckling has been revealed to be a very very handsome swan. Also there is a smirky flower at bottom right.

It’s been quite a long time since I’d revisited any of the three of these—I mainly picked the book up because A) Trina Schart Hyman did the illustrations, and B) because I’ve been reading a lot of ‘60s and ‘70s era children’s books lately—and while I found The Real Princess (AKA Princess and the Pea) and The Ugly Duckling much as I remembered, The Tinder Box… well, The Tinder Box is well and truly bananas.

BANANAS.

Like, so bananas that I felt the need to regale my poor co-worker with it, and was unable to do so without swearing a blue streak because, again, IT. IS. BANANAS.

So, assuming that you don’t remember it either, I shall regale you with it as well.

Okay, so, a soldier—OUR HERO—is walking down the road.

So far, pretty standard fairy tale…

…but not for long.

An old lady flags him down, and is like, “Hey, can you do me a favor and go down into this hollow tree and get me the tinderbox that’s down there? There’s lots of money down there and I don’t care about that, you can totally have the money, and I’ll even give you my apron so that the dogs who’re guarding the money won’t bother you. I just want the tinderbox.”

So he’s like, “Okay, sounds legit.”

Illustration by Trina Schart Hyman, from The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen. Depicts a scene from The Tinder Box, in which the soldier is looking bemusedly at a dog with giant eyes who’s sitting on a cobwebbed chest.

And so he goes down there and there’s a room with a chest and on the chest is a dog with eyes as big as saucers.

(Now that I’m looking at that illustration again, I think THAT’S ALSO why I picked this one up, I remember that specific illustration from reading this as a kid. Anyway.)

So he picks up the dog and puts it on the old lady’s apron, and opens the chest, which, it turns out, is full of copper coins. So he fills his pockets with as many coins as he can carry.

He goes into the next room, and, same deal: Dog, chest. But this time, the dog’s eyes are as big as mill-wheels and the chest is full of silver. So he dumps the copper and takes the silver.

Fast forward.

Third room. Dog with eyes as big as the Round Tower of Copenhagen. Chest full of GOLD. Dump, take.

So when he gets back up to the surface, he’s like, “So why do you want this old tinderbox so bad anyway?” and she’s like, “None of your beeswax.”

SO HE CHOPS OFF HER HEAD.

THE HERO, COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE AND FOR NO GOOD REASON, JUST HAULS OFF AND CHOPS THIS OLD LADY’S HEAD OFF.

I ASK YOU.

WHAT?????

I even pulled out The Annotated Hans Christian Andersen, and that’s how it goes in that version, too!

Like.

What.

At this point you probably won’t be surprised to hear that I’ve put in ILL requests for every picture book version of this that I could find, because I’m dying to see how it all gets dealt with?? Are they going to be bloodbaths??? Because, guess what, this dude ISN’T DONE YET??

This all happens BEFORE he even figures out how to use the tinderbox and starts kidnapping princesses—okay, just the one princess—and then MURDERS THE KING AND QUEEN BY PROXY???

AND THEN, SPOILER, MARRIES THE PRINCESS?

WHOSE PARENTS HE JUST HAD KILLED??

Also, it’s established along the way that he’s really really terrible with money, so I’m a little concerned for the entire kingdom, which now he’s in charge of???

…ahem.

So, anyway, if you haven’t revisited it in a while, I’d recommend it, because it’s a real trip.

Illustration by Trina Schart Hyman, from The Ugly Duckling and Two Other Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen. Depicts a scene from The Tinder Box, in which the soldier is looking delightedly at a sleeping (kidnapped) princess lying on the back of the giant-eyed dog.